Genealogy Chat

Hi Julie, i had a similar story...so i did not try to find my father till my mother had passed away.....I found he had taken his family to Auz..and had died just before my mother, i went to visit his children, and found he was a lovely dad to them, when i talked to my aunts-uncles in UK, they said he was ok.....but untill my mother died no one wud say anything....sad i never met him...he left when i was 4yrs old and i remembered him slightly.....there are two-sides to every story.... Your Mum and Step-Dad deserve their feels to be concidered and i agree to tell them u r thinking of doing ur tree, how do they feel about it !...they may suprise you. best wishes...Joanie

I would tell your mum; it is better coming from you even though it will be difficult for her for a while to understand your reasons for doing it. It would be worse for your mum if she finds out from someone else that you have traced them. Best wishes Sandra

Julie After finding my Mums family (siblings)that were kept a secret ,They are so unhappy of all the wasted years (over 60). Secrets nearly always surface ,it is hard to know what to do ,someone always gets hurt but as said your mother may be more hurt that you could not or did not tell her. She may not like it but is probably half expecting it to happen one day. Most mums forgive their children allsorts. My children want nothing to do with their dad after he strangled me almost killing me 10 years ago,their choice but I know I will not hold it against them if they wish to have a relationship with him oneday.Yes it will hurt but I will not allow them to see that. Whatever he did to me he is still their father. My opinions of him are bound to be bad but I do not pass them on to the children they need to make their own minds up. Whatever you decide will be right for you and others will eventually come to terms with that. best wishes Deborah

I have sent you a PM Roy

Why not tell her you want to look into your family tree and explain that that might lead to you finding your fthers ancestors and half brothers/sisters etc and see how she reacts to that.

This is a tough one. Maybe if your mum see's how happy you are that you have found your real dad, she will not mind you meeting him. However keep in mind that her and your step-dad will not feel totally willing to see him, the same may go for him. Maybe you should have a word with your real father about what you should do? Hope this helps. Stephanie.

Hi Julie, Always a dodgy one, and only you and you brother can decide what to do for the best. However, I am a great believer in respecting the feelings of those still living, if they are just told of something hurtful to them, when they have not expressed a desire to know, or have even shown a desire NOT to know, you cannot always put right any upset caused. They can become a victim of circumstance through no fault of their own. You can never put the clock back. Jay

It's a hard one.........the trouble is if you and your brother make relationships with your new family and your parents find out are they going to be more upset about you not telling them? What about your (step)dad, might he be a bit more understanding if you talked to him?

My mom left our father when I was a small baby, I never knew who he was and my mom always discouraged my brother and I from looking for him, saying he was a nasty piece of work and treated her badly. Through Genes Reunited we have recently found a half sister, an uncle, and cousin. My brother wants to tell my mom but I dont think its a good idea, I think she will be very resentful and dont want to risk hurting our step-dad, (dad to us) who bought us up since I was a baby. Do you think I`m right?