General Chat

I have met people like this whilst sitting in the doctor's waiting room. They have told me the details of their entire family and all their woes.

It shows that that particular subject is constantly on their mind and is a worry to them. This poor man no doubt thinks of nothing else but what he told you and perhaps he wanted a listener who was different from his wife - an impartial person. He might not even remember that he told you all of this next time you meet - or he could think of you as a 'good sympathetic listener' who understand his situation.

I wouldn't like to hear what he said either, but it is probably so important to him that he doesn't realise that you could be offended by it. Try to overlook it. I'm sure he didn't mean to burden you with it. They usually just get 'carried away' once they start to unburden.

Thanks for all your thoughts everyone. I had to go to bed (after I watched The Farmer Wants A Wife).

Actually, you know, Rambling Rose, I think you're right. If it had been a woman, telling me intimate details, I probably wouldn't have minded. I just know that I wouldn't tell anyone about my bedroom habits/problems, to me that's personal and I certainly wouldn't be telling an old man. I'll happily blab on to strangers who ask, where my cancer is and what treatment etc etc, but I don't do the personal stuff.

I've had a great idea though, next time I'm in town, (and because I have no eyebrows), maybe when I draw them in, I should do them so that I look like I have a cranky expression and therefore I'll look unapproachable and any other elderly gentlemen who feel like they need to tell me their personal issues will think twice!

Perhaps now that this fellow has told me his problems, he won't feel the need to bring it up again (sorry, bad choice of words there), the next time he sees me.

Over the years I have had the details of strangers problems given to me in shops, on buses and other places. I think I must have that kind of face! Generally if I have time I listen and offer sympathy or advice, BUT there are folks who immediately make you feel creepy and they are best steered clear of, instinct is telling you something.

Alison, an elderly relative of mine does this, and will happily tell complete strangers very intimate details ( to my mind) of illness and bodily functions.... if it were a woman telling you would you have viewed it differently? I would give the benefit of the doubt and say he was probably at that point where he just needed to talk and you happened to be the one there at the time and looked like you would understand.

Having said that , if he approaches you again, and you feel uncomfortable you will have to tell him so and leave.

I agree with Jean.

But everyone is different and I respect that some people would find this offensive.

Not necessarily David.....some of us look at things with a different perspective.

Even at my great age I do hope I will always give people the benefit of the doubt and never view life with total cynicism.

I think this is very difficult and you probably had to be there - if Alison felt it was creepy then it probably was. There are some things it ain't fair to share with people we don't know.

Would people still think it was ok if the bloke had been 40? I think we sometimes think 70 year olds are little old harmless men but they are just the same as younger men except they've lived longer. If a man makes a woman feel uncomfortable in a situation like this, he's doing something wrong.

*sadly....then I am completely on my cynical own thinking that cancer, or no cancer, this was an inappropriate conversation. BCXX

I was going to say that maybe he saw you as a kindred spirit, somebody who would understand his need to talk. I wouldn't worry about the fact that he told you personal things, I am sure it was therapy of sorts for him and that he felt a whole lot better for it. You seem to have handled the situation well. I hope you can soon do away with your scarf and that you continue to improve in health.

Ann
Glos

I agree Jean. When I work up on the oncology ward or the treatment centre I'm amazed at what people tell me. Most people don't want to upset their families and prefer to discuss their fears or problems with strangers.

Sue xx

Alison....perhaps this gentleman felt he could talk easier to a total stranger than to a member of his family or a friend. He knew you were a fellow cancer sufferer and maybe he felt he could open up to you and you would better understand.

I have had some really surreal conversations with total strangers who are fellow cancer sufferers and have been surprised at how openly we have been able to talk. Sometimes it acts as a kind of therapy.

Alison, you share a bond of a kind. Having a life-threatening disease is a lonely business as you know. But (and you shouldn't start sentence with "but" either) you handled it just fine. I would've felt just as uncomfortable with the way the conversation went and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying - gently - that he is making you feel uncomfortable.

Sue xx

Thanks Hayley,

Maybe I should look at it the way you suggested and hope I "lightened his load" a little.

Thanks for your good wishes too. I'm just waiting for my huge bald spot to cover over and then I can be scarf free!

I have never had cancer so would haven’t a clue to real changes of mind and body, I am sure you and this man have been through at some point, maybe because you have both shared the same experienance, like two women who are strangers and met who had new babies may do with birthing. I used to be the same with regards deaths and grieving, because I lost my Dad at a young age and we used to talk about him all the time and I hated those awkward silences when people lowered their eyes and didn’t know what to say next, I thought it was the norm and everyone wanted to talk about their loss. Of course they don’t. I bet the man would be horrified to think he had grossed you out Alison, its sounds like you handled the situation perfectly and the mans chest feels a little lighter having shared this with you. I wish you all the very best in your recovery.

*presses buzzer* Think I'll pass thanks Dermot!

Margaret, I'm hoping he thought I'd be "safe" to talk to, wearing a scarf etc.

Don't worry SRS, I won't be inviting him over for a cuppa, my husband would object most strongly - unless he came with a carton of beer!

I find it strange that he would tell me such stuff. I certainly didn't tell him my personal info. I don't even know his name! And, (shouldn't start a sentence with "And", but I am) I'm 30 years younger than him, so I'm not a kindly looking old lady!

Alison,
Maybe the poor man was just having a bad health day and you looked the kindly soul who would spare the time to listen,
No doubt he felt happier after your conversations.
Unwell 70 year olds can be very lonely and the days very long.
Margaret

Alison - take courage & do someting out of character. Make his day & yours - invite him home for tea the next time you see him. Life is full of risks. He might be the secret millionaire!

Had a creepy experience today. I was in our local shopping centre, having a coffee, waiting for a friend, when an old man (he told me he was 70) sitting near me started to talk to me. I've seen him before, but have never acknowledged him in any way, he's just a stranger. Well, because I'm still wearing my scarf from chemo, he asked me how I was going and told me that he had, had prostate cancer 2 years ago. We chatted about our cancers - as you do - and then he starts telling me that he was operated on and can no longer be intimate with his wife, but his brain still has those feelings. I'm thinking to myself "Ewwww" and was hoping my mate would hurry up, then he tells me he's now incontinent and has to wear a pad. Why? Why would he feel the need to impart such personal information to me? Pretty high on the "ick factor." Anyway, I'll be avoiding the shopping centre next Monday.