General Chat

We found out recently that my father was adopted.

It all came about when his sister spent years (or so we’re told), looking for him. When she discovered my father had passed away, she began a search for us.

We felt a wave of emotions but I won’t go into details. The fact is, we never knew. Our lives were turned upside down.

But what was the point? We received a one page letter almost 3 months ago and we replied that same day. After all, we’d been told she had been searching for years and we didn’t want her to have to keep waiting. But now we sit here and wait, hoping she can help with some of the answers we have and perhaps even a photo or 2 of our natural grandparents. Is that too much to ask?

What is the point in spending years searching, turning peoples’ lives upside down, and then ignoring the fact that we need answers too?

The information we got from DHS regarding his adoption was mind blowing and we were shattered. How sad for my father had he been alive today.

I tried to contact the people here who have my fathers parents listed on their tree but they have ignored my request. The tree listed on Ancestry has been made private. All we want to do now is find out where his real ancestors came from so I’ve had to research this on my own. It’s as though they don’t want to give us the answers. Then why did they start this?

I’m angry, disappointed and frustrated. Aren’t I allowed to be?

I can understand why you are feeling the way you are, but there could be lots of reasons why she hasn't been in touch again. She could be ill, in hospital, or even passed away herself. Perhaps your letter never arrived.

I would write again with a stamped addressed envelope, just in case she has lost your address. All these things can and do happen.

Kath. x

Hi Kath,

We've been corresponding through DHS so it's all been very anonymous. They suggested it best to keep it that way and I'm guessing they told her to do the same. We included our mobile numbers in our letter to her, just in case she was comfortable with calling us. I also created an email account where she could send something if she had internet access. She is in her 70's though and while my mother who is almost at that age and has a couple of email accounts, I thought it probable that she did not.

I do know that she did receive my letter and I understand that there could be many reasons why she hasn't responded but it is frustrating. We don't even know how she found this information out - she just indicated that she was never told and no-one ever knew.

In that case I would contact DHS again and ask if they would contact this person and ask if she still wants to correspond with you (even if only through DHS). Perhaps she will be more inclined to answer them at this stage.

If it turned your world upside down I suppose it probably did the same or even more so for someone in their 70's.

Kath. x

Looking at it from her point of view a moment, she is you say in her 70s , and had looked for her brother for years...it must have been an immense blow to her to find out she was 'too late' , finding his children may have seemed a way of having a link with him at last, but it may be that she has thought since that it may be more painful for her to have contact with you and hear about him as your 'father' when what she wanted was to know him as her 'brother'?

Also it may be that she is not a healthy lady, or possibly her family have not been too supportive, it does happen that people feel somehow threatened by the introduction of 'new family members'.... I agree with Kathleen , write again . Best of luck

I understand what you are saying and as frustrating as this is, I do feel for this woman. It must have been very hard for her to learn that she had a brother and then to have to go through the emotions of understanding why her parents would give up a child and then never speak of him. With what I know, I struggle with it and I can only imagine it would be so much harder for her as she had a relationship with these people.

Perhaps I am looking at it from a selfish perspective. She has had years to come to terms with it, to try to make it sit right in her head and we’ve had since June. I’m sure she would have liked someone to come forward with answers, anything really. I guess that’s what I’m looking for. And I realize she doesn’t have any, she has told us this in her letter to us, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try to fit the pieces together.

And if I write again, what do I say? I don’t want to appear negative or over enthusiastic and I certainly don’t want to place pressure on her if she has in fact changed her mind, despite how I might be feeling.

DHS did say that some people have a change of heart but where does that leave us now?

I think if you can write just a chatty letter, but also add you understand she must have some natural reservations and say you do hope to hear from her. Maybe if you have some photos you could enclose? of your father or of you and siblings/ children and say you would love to know if there was a family likeness.

She perhaps feels a sense of guilt, that she was 'kept' while her brother wasn't and also a sense that she didn't 'know' her parents really...she may feel that she cannot explain to you why the adoption happened and doesn't know how to start a communication.

so hard for both sides here. She must have wanted contact so badly to go on searching, yet maybe when it was established it came as a shock ...I do hope you can resolve this .

Rose xx

Thanks for your responses. I took your advice and have written a letter so I'll send it off to DHS on Monday and see how we go.

Again, thanks for your help.
Sandra

Sandra, glad you have taken the step to try and make contact again, I can understand your confusion and disappointment but maybe this time you will hear more from her.

My o.h. found out from his father only a short time ago that his grandfather was adopted, they know nothing about who by or why, it was just a comment from an elderly aunt, now dead, who mentioned it to o.h.'s father and he obviously wasn't curious so didn't ask more at the time. When I started trying to look for relatives of the family, Smiths! and o.h's mother, a Browne, his father told him then.

Let us know how you get on if you get further correspondence from your aunt.

Lizx

Sandra, I can understand your frustration, so close to finding out, then nothing.
I can only agree with what the others have said.
Perhaps you could write, keeping emotion out of the letter, difficult I know.
You could ask for info in a factual way, so that if she wanted to respond it would be easier.
Is she the only sibling that your father had? Perhaps she has children who might persuade her to give you some info.

What about your contact at the DHS, how helpful are they?

Sorry if this seems like a lot of questions, but I do understand, having searched for my own birth family, that you want answers.
I hope you get a reply soon, I'm here for your support if needed.
Good luck
Sue

I could contact the owner of the tree on Ancestry and request to view their tree but if they are the same people that have a tree here, I’m not likely to get a reply as I have not got one here yet.

My father’s sister is not the only sibling; in fact, he was the 3rd of 6 children which makes it so much harder to understand. Perhaps the other living siblings or her children are dissuading her, I just don’t know.

The Department of Human Services don’t give up any information, which I guess is the right thing to do, but they are frustrating as things seem to take forever to get done.

I’ve shown some family members the letter I’ve written and they think it’s okay so if I hear anything from my fathers sister I will be sure to post here and let you know.

Thanks for your support.
Sandra

Sandra,

I hope I don't upset you by mentioning this (I really don't mean to) but depending on when your father was born - if it was during the war (since his sister is in her 70's this is a possibility), - then perhaps he was the only one to be adopted because he was born as a result of a relationship while his mother's husband was at war. I've heard of this happening quite a lot where the husband says he will forgive his wife if she gives up the baby for adoption.

I just thought it might be something to think about - but I could of course be completely wrong. Just trying to think about reasons for giving up a middle child.

Kath. x

your bound to feel angry sandra
theyve successfully turned your world upside down
you dont have dad there now to answer any thing you wana ask him, or even for him to defend himself,
you have to do that for him,
defend his memory sandra,
im sure your dad has left you good memories, so stand up to them,
if they write again, take your time,

remember the life your dad had without them,
do you have family to turn to that he left
sending you my thoughts

Coming from a dysfunctional family as families like mine are called. and the fact that you had only a one page letter,Sounds to me a sad lonely lady wrote at the spur of moment, with a longing to be reconciled with lost brother or half brother as could well be the case as it's been suggested,same mothers different fathers,very hard to live with in her day,even for siblings And when HER Family found out THEY were NOT Pleased. there are alot of reasons why people do this,sometimes out of greed frightened you will go after an inheritance,or that somehow by contacting,there may be demands on their time or emotions.Some really belive in let sleeping dogs lay.
Good Luck With what ever way you handle this.but be careful somebody might get hurt.

The war records show that his father was there at a later date. I guess anything is possible and we will probably continue to have theories as to why for the rest of our lives. The mother appears to have had a child every year after my father was born and I believe there is a possibility he could be one of a twin as I have conflicting information regarding the age of the child born after my father. I have been unsuccessful in finding out his date of birth.

I feel sad for my father, despite the fact that he is no longer living. He lived in a home without brothers or sisters and without aunts or uncles too. He did have parents that loved him though, and that is the main thing.

I have no expectations of these people – not their money, nor their emotional commitment. I am lucky enough to already have that in my life. All I ask is for help with information should they be able to provide it. Don’t get me wrong, she is my father’s sister and I would love to meet with her but this will ultimately be her choice.

I will say that I was disappointed with the single page letter we received but perhaps that’s because I’m the type that could almost write a novel had I been looking for someone for years. She on the other hand may have found it difficult to put down on paper, what she perhaps wanted to say, and I get that too. She has no idea who we are and what we are like and maybe that made it hard for her.

I feel better for posting my thoughts here and am thankful to all that have commented. If I don’t get a response to this letter I have written then life goes on. I suppose in the end there will always be questions whether she contacts us or not. I do hope that she does though.

Well, you sound better today Sandra.
Nice to see.
Good luck love.
Deanna X

Reading this again, I wondered if you sent a photograph of your Father? If you did that and perhaps sent a photo of yourself, not necessarily a really up to date one, you could ask if you resemble the family at all and it might strike a chord with her, you might even look like your aunt.
She might be very pleased to have the picture of your Father.
Lizx