General Chat

its one of our local news guys from the local paper .i love reading his bits .always cheer me .see what ya think.xxx

cyclist in pink... and he is calling me stupid?

YESTERDAY one of the hundreds of cyclists who clog our country lanes every weekend called me bloody stupid.
He was in his sixties and squeezed into a lipstick pink lycra all-in-one outfit. I rest my case.
The gent had taken umbrage over the fact I almost ran him over.
I turned a corner and was confronted by the fellow and his colleagues riding three-abreast. One ended-up in a ditch.
Think once, think twice, think bike, he ranted - a reference to a 1970s road safety slogan. Its a silly mantra: twice and bike dont rhyme. It should be: Think once, think thrike, think bike.
I told him to keep his pointy, backwards hat on and, in future, ride single file. At least were not polluting the planet with car fumes, the cyclist bellowed. You want to think about your carbon footprint.
I will. Next time I spot the gent pedalling towards me, itll be slapped very firmly on the accelerator.
The unsavoury incident underlines the growing traffic problems in our parish. If the plague of pedal cyclists wasnt enough of a hazard, theres also a never ending stream of kamikaze pheasants - heaven knows why they bother shooting them, they could just pull the mangled birds from the bull-bars of their 4x4s - and a constant convoy of tractors.
The latter really annoys me. Ive been in the cab of a modern tractor and it bristled with hi-tec gadgets.
Nothing that advanced would have a top speed of just 20mph, Im sure.
They simply haul them out at rush hour and crawl through the lanes to infuriate non-farm workers.
I bravely told one tractor driver he was obligated to pull-over if more than six cars were behind him.
He asked what obligated meant. All I know, he said, is that Ive got a trailer full of turnips and if I dont get them to the depot in 20 minutes, theres a real danger of fungal infection.
And that would ruin the root vegetables? I asked.
Dunno, he muttered, I was talking about my armpits.
In a bid to make our narrow lanes safer, the neighbourhood watch has purchased its own speed-gun. That swines gone past me doing 450mph, shrieked Colin, thrusting the gun, Dirty Harry style, at a Mini Cooper.
I think youll find, I gently pointed out, youre pointing it in the wrong direction. Youve just clocked a passenger jet.

Pmsl

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Joyous love it,spot on,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it reminds me of a grumpy old man whos name I cant recall,,,,,,:}}}}}}

ahhhhhhhhh the lovely eldrick .i think so too.when i open our paper thats the first thing i go for .always cracks me up.xxx