General Chat

Thats what we are all here for to support anyone that needs it <3

Forgot to say Joan, what do your other children think of the situation, not just the one that lives nearest?

I don’t often post on here but wanted to say how sorry I am to read of your plight Joan. Of course, hubby wants to come home and I’m very sure that you want him to be with you but it doesn’t sound very practical. You have said you are not good at speaking up for yourself and clearly feel bullied but I’ve noticed you write fluently on here. Could you put your feelings down in writing in the form of a letter with copies to both the care people and your GP? I would be very polite, no point in getting their backs up. Explain that your concern is for the safety and wellbeing of your husband but your own circumstances (age, medical needs etc) mean you are not sure that you can guarantee this. Ask who will be with hubby when you have to leave the house. There will be times you need to visit the doctor or dentist or do some shopping. If the only option is for him to come home, will there be regular respite care for you to have a break?

I don’t know if the idea of writing it all down is helpful or not but it’s something for you to consider. Try and see your GP as well. If he says you won’t be able to cope it will probably carry more weight than anything you say.

And explain the whole situation to your GP as soon as possible - and don't hold back!

Unfiotunately, harsh as it is,they are only looking at your husbands needs. It is almost as though you don’t count except for what you can do to help.

I’m surprised a hoist wasn’t on your list of things to fit in the room, and they take up a lot of space.

Was the OT happy with the state of the electrics? Always people you.can call at night - presume that is the ambulance because they can’t send care staff out in an emergency if they haven’t got one available.

As Florence says, come and rant anytime.

Oh my Joan, what a dreadful situation.

I cant believe the care manager was going to have a meeting without you there??? I mean, your daughter doesn't live with you and has a young family so she isnt going to be involved with his care, is she?

I would urge you to go & see your GP before the next meeting. Go in on your own so you can explain exactly your worries & concerns and how it is affecting you.

They will have to create a Care plan for hubby before he can be discharged anyway.

You say hubby doesnt want carers 4 times a day but you simply cant manage his needs. Does he not realise that? You cannot lift him onto the commode and back into bed. The carers have to be trained to do that. Its called manual handling.

I'm so sorry this whole situation is stressing you out, just so awful but please see you GP and tell him everything that has happened and what is happening by yourself.

Sorry I've not been terribly helpful but on here you can rant and rave and we will listen and try and help if we can.

Florence in the hebrides

I keep looking in to see if there is any news from Joan <3

AG, hope that site helps Joan. I couldn’t quite understand the one I looked at.

Joan, I also agree, you need to go and see your GP and explain how you are feeling and how it is upsetting you because you will find it too difficult to manage say through the night etc and also you cant afford the adaptations.
Let him see how upsetting it is for you.

As you said, all very well daughter wanting her dad back home with you but....what if you are snowed in and she cant get to to help? There is an awful lot she needs to consider which I as you said don't think she is looking at the bigger picture.

Also what if the carers couldnt get to you, what then?

See how quick you can get an appointment tomorrow.

Hoping for a solution to suit you as well as hubby.

Florence in the hebrides

In principle, yes, but it depends on the level of risk assessed, and it can vary from one local council to another.

It also doesn't include the cost of any adaptations to the person's home.

https://www.gov.scot/publications/free-personal-nursing-care-qa/

It also depends on the availability of carers, who are thin on the ground in some places.

I,m on my iPad so can’t send the links. I found it confusing but it looks as though personal and nursing care is free in Scotland.

Perhaps you could ask your GP for his/her opinion, taking into account your health, age, etc.
Perhaps he/she would write a letter to say you are physically unfit to be your husband's main carer?
Let him/her see how stressed you are already. Don't try to be brave!

With a bit of luck, when the OT actually sees the house, they may realise it 's not suitable in any case.

I agree with Linda - you must put your foot down.

Oh dear Joan, It is all very well saying that he will get carers during the day, but I have been through this twice with my parents and it can be a nightmare. For a start, they only come at a time to suit their routine not yours. They have to go to diabetics for “ normal “ mealtimes, so would be turning up at ten am to give him breakfast and coming at four pm to put him to bed. My mum had given him breakfast hours before they turned up.
If your husband has a catheter, how is he supposed to get out of bed to use a commode? It sounds like he can’t get in and out by himself, so you would need to help him.
Sadly your daughter doesn’t seem to be supporting you and is wanting to get her dad home as if that will magically make him better. My sister was totally unrealistic about my parents care as well, she had scales on her eyes, but then she didn’t live nearby so wasn’t the one shouldering the every day care
You must really put your foot down with your daughter and not let her ignore you

Life gets so difficult doesn't it. Of course you'd all like him to be home but maybe you need to be tough with your daughter and ask her what happens when you are snowed in or you have fallen in the dark during a power cut. Or the carer can't get in because the tanker has blocked the road again?

If you can't afford changes to the house how will you pay for his home care after the free weeks are over?

Afternoon all.
Oh dear Joan, that's not helpful when people don't listen.

Surely to goodness they realise how old you are!! Yes what happens when the power goes off or during the night? Are you supposed to be the equivalent of a "night carer/nurse?"

I hope your daughter can be with you for the home visit tomorrow. Stand your ground and make them realise how old your house is and that really it's not suitable. Maybe your daughter can get some advice from Social Services as well.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow <3

I had a quiet day except for a basket of ironing. I had the xmas table cloths to iron and put away for another year(3 in total).

Been working on a friends family tree this afternoon and made a little progress!

Shall be speaking to dad later and find out about repairing his conservatory roof, no doubt there will be a long saga there as nothing ever straight forward with him bless him!

Think my tea tonight will be a tuna sandwich with the home made bread as not very hungry today.

Was heavy frost again today but did melt away.Very damp and no wind and feels cold so heating on full blast. Mums boiler was getting a service today so hopefully all went ok as not heard anything to the contrary.

Right need to do some more tree work before teatime.

Florence in the hebrides

I think that's dreadful, Joan.

Of course they are primarily concerned with your husband's welfare - but your own health and wellbeing have a big effect on that.

Do tell tomorrow's OT all your concerns.
It may be easier than it would have been today, when your husband was listening, and when you might not have wanted to sound as if you didn't want him to be at home.

Will your daughter be able to be there too, to reinforce what you say?

If they still think your house is suitable - and it certainly doesn't sound so to me - I fear you will be expected to fund the adaptations.

However, you may be able to get a grant from your local council.
Your local Social Services Dept may also be able to help, or at least advise.

There's quite a lot of info in this link:

https://www.gov.scot/publications/funding-adaptations-home-guide-homeowners/pages/0/

It always seems strange that the 2nd person in the house doesn’t count. Carers are not even allowed to give the 2nd person any help at all. So it is one cup of tea, one sandwich etc.

I’m so glad you’ve got an OT coming out. Hopefully a different one. They will see the state of your rooms and, just as important, hoe easy it is, or not, to actually get to your home.

I think in England, others will confirm, that not all the changes needed are out of your own purse.

Good luck tomorrow.

Well, the estate agent just rang to say that the young couple who also saw the house on Saturday made us an offer as well. They are in rented, so would have been a good bet, if the second couple hadn’t already offered us 10k more. Having been told that we had accepted a higher offer, they insisted that the estate agent contact us to see if we would change our minds if they beat that offer. The estate agent wasn’t keen, but he had to ask us We aren’t taking part in gazumping, in any case the older couple have already contacted our previous buyers who have agreed to sell them the searches and survey which should really speed things up.

I hope Joan is coping with her meeting today <3

I am so sorry Joan that you are facing such a stressful time, but remember that this is only a preliminary meeting to discuss what is best for your hubby. Nothing is going to happen instantly, it never does in the NHS. Unless they are still stabilising his medical needs, staying in the cottage hospital won’t be a long term option as the beds are in such demand as you found out when you were waiting for one.
The occupational therapists always have to do a home visit, but they aren’t judging you, they are just there to help by providing any equipment you need. Sadly it sounds as if his needs are more than your home can provide for and you may be needing to look for a care home. If you have to choose that option, you will be doing it because of your love for him, so that he can have twenty four hour care

Joan, It might be a bit daunting, but what you have to say is very important.
Remember that although the staff are aware of his medical needs, after a long and happy time together, you know your husband best, so in a way you will be speaking on his behalf with an awareness of his needs and yours in his on-going care.
Maybe in the quiet of your own home today, you could write a few key points, which you want them to consider or questions you need answering.

You don't come over as someone who is timid.
Your voice and opinions are valid and important, so stand your ground.
Will be thinking of you <3

A bitterly cold chill in the air today, but no actual frost on the grass or pavements, when I walked to school.
Definitely a day to try out my new thermal clothing.!
The birdbath was frozen though, but not thick ice. A pigeon took a look and flew to a tree branch in disgust at not getting it's usual drink.Within a minute or two it was back to see if anything had changed :-S before giving it up as a bad job.
At least there was no repeat of yesterday's snow dusting.