General Chat

I think your idea of talking with the neighbour and mentioning your own son is a good one, she will probably be able to tell you what she sees and you will know better then how to deal with it. Good luck to you and to the lad, who if he has done nothing wrong other than to have a family bereavement which is beyond his control, deserves to be well looked after and properly cared for and supervised. Liz

hi oc,, i totally agree,i think yes it needs concern to be shown,,,,,and if there is a need then like you i think school would be the better option to inform,,,as like you say will keep it all confidential and would know of any past behaviour problems,,,,,,,,,it would be a shame if these carers have been doing a worthwhile job for a good lenghth of time to have as yet proved --stories --that they are not treating who they foster as they should,,,,,,,, Hopefully its all just been blown out context,,,,,,,,plus we dont know how long they have had him in their care,,,,

Kay I do understand what you are saying, and I agree with you that the boy may be not telling the truth. However - the welfare of the boy is the ONLY concern here. If he is fibbing, or exaggerating, then the Social workers will quickly realise he is. If he is telling the truth, then the Foster Carers need a damn good slap and hopefully stopped from ever caring for children again. If this were me, I would involve the school, who can keep this discreet and confidential and do any dirty work necessary. I wouldn't do nothing, as I wouldn't want that on my conscience. I have a friend who fosters difficult teenage boys, and like Mary says, the money is very good - but doesn't make up for the number of times her 'boys' have trashed her house, broken her windows and set fire to things, or the hours she has spent in police stations, hospitals or prison visiting rooms - she never, ever gives up on them, even when they are adults. OC

Hi Sam Glad you have given this some thought,but would advise not to involve outsider's as sometimes it cant be trusted 100% this discussion you have will not be spread,,,,,,,,,,Plus if all is above board with these carers and story has it you have been showing any concerns for their actions it could cause untold trouble,for them,,at the moment you have only hear say to act on, ,If this little boy is feeling push away or not having the attention he thinks he should have then he may just be blowing things out of context ,,,,,,,,, If you really must show conecern by all means act on your own instincts,but if you have never met this boy and dont know him then you could be throwing fat on the fire,,,,,,,,,I would reserve jugdement and inform the school if you have too ,as they will have a full report on his behavaviour and may know of any past,,,,,,,,they at least can keep it all confidential,,,,,,,,but would be a tragedy if none of it is true and the Foster careers are most caring ,,,

There does seem to be some concerns about this lad but do make sure the facts are exactly right when you report it to the authority. What we see and hear is not always as true as it could be. I'm a foster carer myself for difficult teenagers. Because of the problems they have, behaviour etc., we don't take them with us to see relatives .........our respecting ageing mothers need us to give them our time exclusively. As do my teenage grandchildren who I don't see very often due to the distance involved where they live. We have 28 days a year for ourselves to fit in family visits. Not long when you consider two sets of families living from the south coast to the far north. If we are away the youngsters either go to other carers who make sure they have a good time in our abscence, or they may be able to stay with their own parents. The youngsters understand our need to spend some time with our own families as does the authority. These teenagers leave at 18 but we continue to support them (no financial gain whatsoever) simply because we care. We do get a generous allowance from the authority but when I think of the bedrooms that have been wrecked as well as other damage done, not to mention the trauma when theft has occured I think it is well deserved. But it's not the money that appeals..........its seeing these kids turn themselves around, as many do. Despite what life has thrown at them they become responsible adults, have families of their own and in some cases the role has reversed and they do what they can for me if help is needed.

I have been thinking about this over night and know one of the neighbours to where the lad lives, thought i might tell he how my son is spending time with the lad and ask her opinion of him, but not nention to her what he has told me? I would hate to 'report' it to anyone if its not right but wouls also never forgive myself if anything happened to the boy. Kids get so easily distracted and there are a couple of very busy roads nearby. sam

There were a couple of foster parents recently jailed for the cruelty shown to the children they fostered years ago, she had made out she was a wonderful carer and it all came out later that she had treated the children as slaves and her husband had sexually abused them. Another couple I know looked after two lads whose parents dumped them and later adopted the two boys, even tho they were hard work and they would no longer get money for looking after them. As the boys got into their teens the mother and father now back together and back in England, started getting in touch even tho the boys were adopted, and eventually enticed the boys back one by one with expensive toys and such. My friends have been left very much out of pocket but worse still, heartbroken by the way the boys have turned against them and are back with their parents who hadn't wanted them while they were little because they got in the way of their careers. So sad.

i don't think the foster cares are acting responsible its not a good idea to leave a 12 year old unattended for long periods of time

but do be careful that the lad is not just fantasising. maybe to get attention. I too have been a foster Mother and the older ones can spin a good yarn to get sympathy. it is a fine line. Ann Glos

nudge

Yes Sam, I agree that if the kid is telling fibs there probably is a reason. Lots of them and none of them pleasing to adults. OH and I used to get so worked up at the way the kids were treated 'by the system'. Well overdue but the government is to do something about not moving kids at exam time. OMG is that all?! Some of the kids we had had moved so often they could not recall where they had been. On one occasion we even had the school head teacher come round asking us to continue keeping a child. We couldn't. OH was going into hospital and m.i.l. could not really cope with our children. The two foster kids were classified as difficult. The poor little so and so's were going blind and were trying to do as much as possible before they did. The experience did not put off our children - one of them has just started fostering himself. Clive

I have never fostered but this doesn't sound right. Might be worthwhile mentioning it to someone in authority, before something happens to the lad. Mary

thanks for the reply guys...... clive i was trying to point out that they don't take him out with them and yes basically put him out on the street. think i will have a word with one of the deputy heads at sch, as if the lad is telling fibs there maybe a reason behind that also? sam

personaly the money wouldnt enter my head if i thought i could help a child , im aware you need money but weve managed on the bread line for all my adult life and other than my son beilng ill we have had fun and camping hols .

Sam please make sure this information carries **some truth**,, ,and let SS know ASP<or inform the School of your concerns,,,,,they can carry this through,,,,,

If they wont take him, and also dont let him stay at home, then he's basically walking the streets, unless a friend lets him stay for a few hours. At 12, thats not right.

I'm sorry, that may have been a bit blunt, Sam....but I have cared for children who have suffered dreadful abuse, physical and/or emotional, at the hands of foster carers and carers...there are also many, many brilliant ones who do a superb job. But the fact remains that those who get away with it often do so because ordinary people can't believe it could happen...as you are aware of what is going on, it may be that you will have to report it, in order to protect this boy, or at least to make sure he is being properly cared for. I'd also phone the head of the school, and raise concerns there. I do hope everything is ok for this young man. To be badly treated at such a traumatic time is a recipe for disaster if not handled carefully. Love Daff xxx

I know of 2 foster carers.Both very good with the children,BUT it is only the money that draws them there.One will only take older children as she says you get more money and the other one is excellent But its her husband that wants the money.She had 2 beautiful little girls and she had,had them for 18 months.Social Services were putting them up for adoption and asked them if they would like to adopt.He said no.Reason he would no longer get money for them.I often think of them little girls taken away from there parents,settled for 18 months,then off to a new home. Annie

Not quite sure what I am reading here. The foster parents will not allow the child (age 12) to stay at home on his own and the lad finds this is distressing? Is this what is meant? In my opinion a child of that age ought not to be left on his own. Is the objection to having a baby sitter in? When we did fostering the rules were fairly clear. The biggest problem by far was the social workers. Duty worker not contactable (not even the police managed). You were not told the advice of the child phsycologist 'because the child's privacy has to be maintained'. The paperwork for the payments was not put through as the social worker thought we had enough money and did not need the social service money! (Thde money was nothing like what it cost us to look after the kids) Clive

I would contact the local social services team...ask to speak to the duty social worker on the childrens' team....there may be other things that no-one is aware of, but none the less, I would be concerned enough to at the very least 'raise a concern', and once reported, it has to be investigated. A child who is fostered should be treated with the same respect that other children in the family are accorded. That is what the foster family are paid for. Love Daff xxx