General Chat

I have to vent out a bit here. My case has been going on for a number of years 11 years to be precise. Since being taken to court and failing to show to have a DNA after taking 7 years to deny my child as his my lovely childs absent parent has been giving the runaround for a number of years. He has since moved and his mother and are proving hard to trace. The CSA has just contacted me to say another lady had been in contact so they are now trying to trace him through the details she had. It turns out that my daughter has got a half brother or sister and now i have to think of whether to tell her or leave it some time. She is 11 and very mature but i dont want to hurt her or not tell her something she deserves to know. I have discussed things with my now husband who suggests telling her in a couple of years as she has already had a distressing time with losing 2 grandparents and a great grandma in the past four months. Money is not a fcator in any of this as i have had nothing for 11 years but felt he shouldnt get off scotfree. He is losing out as i have the love of a beautiful child who asked for none of this. Thanx for listening i fell better now!! LOL

Im in a similar situation, although my daughter is still only 3. She has only known my OH (who, by the way, is the most wonderful man!) as her father. Her biological father walked out when I was four months pregnant. He had two children from a previous relationship, before we met, so my daughter also has half-siblings. I do intend to tell her, when she is old enough to understand, as I feel she has a right to know. I won't tell her for at least 5 years or so, as she is just too young at the moment. It will be difficult when the time comes, but its also important that she knows the truth, I think. I think your husband is right, about not telling her right now, as she has had a traumatic time recently, but I think you should tell her soon, although, it is your discision at the end of the day. We all want whats best for our children, and whatever you decide, im sure it will be with your childs best interests at heart. x

Hi Lindylou, We have had just about the same situation in our house with our daughter and her ex. As soon as he found out she was pregnant did a runner,much to our joy lol But with the way things are here as far as claming child support from him(don't think that he should get away with with it as he has another child 12 weeks the difference.Told my daughter the week before she had his son about the other girl and baby. So needless to say a little stress in the household Think life is to easy these days for people to walk away and not take responsobility the only thing that i can say is that we have an absollutely beautiful grandson and don't have to share him with the d---head of a father. Sue

thanks for the reply its not that we dont want to tell her but we are just thinking about timing she has been through alot watching both my parents die of cancer very quickly, her surrogate grandad die of cjd last month followed by her great grandma a week later. i would never keep this from her as i have seen what secrets can do to people. it is a matter of whether we give her another shock now whilst her feelings are quite raw or let her get over things a bit. i am so confused i really want to tell her now but my hubby says we have to think of how she will cope with the news with how she is now Lynda

In terms of the CSA, I personally don't rate them at all. When my daughters biological father did a runner, the CSA where immediately involved, as I was on benifits at the time. When I came off benifits and started working again, I was told that I had to reapply, or the case would be dropped (it had been going on a year by then and the CSA still couldnt find him, dispite having his NI number!) However, I decided that I didn't want anything at all more to do with him (it wasn't a very nice relationship, and an even worse break-up!) so I decided to do it all by myself. I didn't care that he wasnt facing up to his responsibilities by not paying his way (he'd already showed he couldn't face up to them when I had to beg/plead him to even come and see his daughter!) So now, he is totally out of my life. When the time comes for me to tell my daughter about him, it will be her choice if she wants to track him down. If that happens, I will support her 100%, and will even help her find him if need be, but in my eyes he never was and never will be, her dad. (can you detect a slight hint of resentment there!!!) LOL Again, I think that you should wait awhile, she has had a tough time of it recently, but I don't think you should wait too long, maybe 6 months - a year?

Hi lyndylou I would let things settle a little but I would tell her quite soon 11 is actually a great age to tell children things they are old enough to understand but havent hit that teenage rebellion you kept it from me stage. they are brilliantly matter of fact....... We are lucky to live on a farm. when it came time to tell my son who was also 11 that his 'dad'wasnt his natural father he was fine. he just said was my natural father like the Bulls mum? because of course he sees the bulls all the time,he sees them making the cows pregnant but of course they dont have any kind of fatherly relationship. To him it made perfect sense. he wasnt even interested in knowing about him,i offered to shw him a photo and he said no thanks and wandered off to do something else. As for the Csa we have the same problems out here,they thrash the good dads who will pay something and completely let slide the deadbeat ones who they have to chase Regards Tania

I know it takes two to tango, but why is it always the woman who has to bear the financial cost in cases where the 'man' feels he is not interested. I feel that perhaps you should not say anything to your daughter at the moment, let her come to terms with the losses you have recently had. A 11 she is bordering on being a woman, her hormones are racing and perhaps she has more than enough to deal with at the moment. As long as she is aware that her mum and dad, (your husband) are caring and considerate, she will grow up and be able to put the RS......., who is her biological father, into the cage he belongs in. Love, not money is what makes a happy child. Kathlyn

Can I just throw in a different point of view for you to consider - I am not saying I am right! She might be delighted to hear she has a half sibling, especially one who is in the same position as her. Does she have any other siblings? I mean, is she your only child? Would you (and the other mum) be prepared to let her have some sort of relationship with the other child? If not, then perhaps don't tell her for a while. I do agree with everyone else, don't keep it a secret too long. When she hits those teenage years it will be a big stick to hit you with. Good luck with this. OC

My ex dodged the CSA for years - they eventually got him through his national insurance number. I got 5 weeks worth off him and then THEY closed the case saying that I hadn't sent them a letter about the mortgage which they had requested (which I had sent back to them as requested in the pre addressed envelope provided) When I explained this they said unless I had sent it recorded delivery I had no proof so they wouldn't re open the case. I would have to re apply. I lost £1,700.00 worth of arrears payments too. I gave it up as a waste of time until my daughter went to college. Than I had the same performance again. It took just over a year to pin him down and then when my daughter decided that she wasn't going to continue with her studies, of course the payments stopped and the arrears were handed back to him - over £400.00 this time. My ex was rubbing his hands together !!! They really are a joke! Another thing that annoyed me was if I didn't receive payments on time and contacted them - the only response I ever got was that I shouldn't rely on the maintenance money as it's not guaranteed. Luckily I had re married by this time and there were 2 wages coming in but how is a single Mum supposed to get by? !!!! They really are a waste of space Gaynor

Hi Lindylou, I don't think I've ever heard anyone say a good word about the CSA....yet! (Anyone on here work for them?) I agree that it would be good to tell your daughter just as soon as you feel it is right, perhaps when she feels a little better following the sad events that have happened recently. A friend of mine had an adopted son, (not the same as you I know), and she didn't keep it a secret from anyone except him. One day when he was eight I was walking him home from school and he began to tell me, out of the blue, about his 'real mummy' and his 'tummy mummy', his 'real mummy' being his adoptive mother. He was very matter-of-fact and not a bit bothered, accepting this as his life. Obviously he had picked up on his situation somehow and had a good old chat about it with his friends! I told his astonished mother and they have survived the teenage years with no more problems than usual!!! Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi LyndyLou, I am in a similar situation in that my son is 11 and we have no contact (or financial support) from his father. I don't know if my ex has had any children since, but given that your daughter is still upset at the loss of her grandparents I feel that if it were me I would leave it for a while before you tell her. Unless she might hear it from someone else? in which case it is better coming from you, even if the timing is not the best. I am sure at some time she will want to know her half-siblings but she will quite possibly feel a bit resentful that her father is with them rather than her so it might not be till she is a lot older. My son knows his fathers name and a bit about him and has seen a few photo's but doesn't seem in the least interested....yet! I suspect when he is a teenager he will probably want to track him down.....hope it is not too soon! Good luck to you all, Rosexx