General Chat

Thought one or two might need cheering up so here is a little tale which hopefully will do the job. A man I heard of came home from work one night and when he walked into the kitchen he was met by his wife wearing a black neg... neg... nightie. 'What's this in aid of' he enquired, She replied, 'Tonight my love I am going to give you supersex' 'Well in that case' he answered, 'I'll have the soup'.

Jeff, thats very funny LOL

Grooaaan! little lol

Brave man jokes What's the definition of the bravest man in the world?? The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.' ******************************** Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.' Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.' Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep.' ******************************** A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 'What are you doing?' She answers, 'I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.' Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too, I want to see how you live on $800 a year'. ********************************* A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,'You must be single.' The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?' The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

The Perfect Forwarding Email My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me 'forwards' over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and Healthy. o Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. o o Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic. o o I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. o o I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. o o I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. o o I no longer eat KFC because their 'chickens' are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. o o I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. o o Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. o o I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). o o I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program. o Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in thenext 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diahorrea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. DO IT NOW OR ELSE.

pmsl

BOB,you r a star............PMSL literallly,well not...but nearlyxxxLOLxx

dare I put this one on? A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, 'What's your name?' The guy said, 'My name is Penize van Lesbienne.' The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.' I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbienne name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.' The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penize van Lesbienne! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.' 'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... 'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penize van Lesbienne. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke

hehehehehexxxxxxxxxxxxxloveitxx

very good, like it! Liz

Three women are sitting in a doctors office waiting for their pregnancy test results. The Brunette says, 'If I'm pregnant it will be a girl because I was on the bottom.' The red head replies,'If I'm pregnant I will have a boy because I was on top.' The Blonde stops, thinks a minute and and says, 'Then I'm gonna have puppies !'

LMAO you lot have brightened up a cold morning I am in hysterics. Thank you !!!!!!!!!!!! xx