General Chat

I must confess that I have never heard Peter Kay. If this is a sample of his jokes/work then I am missing out. Will make sure I catch his show next time he is on TV, Thank you all for sharing the quotations. Love and Peace Marianne.

I love Peter Kay,,,,iv nearly cried laughing at these....and its real life too,,!!

I agree Dave!!! Peter Kay for Prime Minister!! lol Becx (after you Dave)

Peter really is the best observation comic there is! Dave

A pleasure honey :-) Made me smile too! love becx

Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed? If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse? Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat? Is French kissing in France just called kissing? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'? What do people in China call their good plates? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? What do you call male ballerinas? Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

There's more folks... I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Thyroid problem? When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade. Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'dbetter have a good hand. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.' If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat? I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither. PMSLing now!!

Yesterday while buying bread in Greenhalgh’s I tended a £10 note. When the assistant held it up and shouted “Ten going in Joyce” they had to pick me up off the floor I laughed so much!! Peter Kay is absolutely brilliant. Bridget x

How fast are slippers they are really fast!

did your Mum buy Rollercola 3 litres for 40pence its crap! lol!

You can't respect a man who carries a dog. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. Bricks are horrible to carry. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

yes he can be Minister for Commedians he is the best Bec! Davexx

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad. Some days you see lots of people on crutches. Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. You never ever run out of salt. Old ladies can eat more than you think.

Love him Dave :-) Can he be our regular after dinner speaker at 'do's'?

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

He is so funny isnt he Bec? Davex

the hob nob is the steven seagal of biscuits

'Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.' 'At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.' 'One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.' 'Nobody ever dares make up cup-a-soup in a bowl.' 'You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.' 'Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.' 'The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.' 'Old women with mobile phones look wrong.' 'Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.' 'There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when your hand or head is stuck in something.'

'whats that all about' ? Davex

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