General Chat

Do any of you think that if children were more aware at a very earlier age than the norm, that we are all only on this earth for a certain time. They would be more able to understand all the perils of life. Most children do not really understand death, until a much loved Grandparent dies of old age. Ok, some are unlucky. Like my three children. They lost Daddy when they were only 10, 6, & 3 years old. If children knew that death was so final, at an early age, instead of it being such a taboo subject to them, perhaps they would not take the risks, that they do do. I firmly believe that if all were aware, this world would be a very different place.

I don't think death should ever be taboo but children should have things explained properly to them whenever anyone or anything close to them dies. It is very worrying for a child to hear the expression that a beloved animal or relative has gone to sleep - they could get scared of going to bed in case the same thing happens to them. My son was only 3 when one of our cats had to be put down and I explained that poor old Toby's body had worn out and life wasn't very nice for him anymore so we helped him not to suffer. When my father died when my son was 7 we went to the hospital soon after, to say our goodbyes and my son came too. He knew my father was ill with cancer and had seen him suffering. I asked if he wanted to come in and say goodbye, which he did. The family were round the bed, with the curtains closed, and my son asked why grandad's mouth was open, so the nurse explained and said she would put a bandage round to close it up. On the way out my son said 'Grandad did better goldfish impressions that I can, didn't he?' It so lightened the mood and my dad would have loved it. When I took my mum to the Chapel of Rest to say a final goodbye, my son asked to come too, and when we came out he said he wished he had kissed grandad goodbye like Nanny did. He chose to attend the cremation which I explained to him was just a way of getting rid of grandad's tired poorly body and that the part that was grandad was always around, in our hearts and our memories. He was fine about it all and coped just as well when my mother died a few years later, and also our cats and our beloved dog too. There was no mystery and I answered all his questions honestly. His cousin of the same age was not allowed to do any of the things my son had done and was taken on holiday to get over his grandad's death. When my mum died, my son said 'oh I suppose he will get another holiday now' My son is a very caring sensible young man of 22 but I'm sure he still does crazy things when he is out with his friends so not easy to say whether the experiences he had made him a different person or not. We all live life the way we were brought up to do and so long as someone is taught to consider others, what more can we do. One thing my lad always says to me is that he wishes I hadn't brought him up to be so honest - some of his friends cross the line sometimes and my boy says he always has my voice in his head telling him to behave! Sorry to have gone on so long. Liz

I think sometimes you have to explain death quite early to children especially when a close relative dies, children build a bond and are more intelligent than we think, so if somebody is not around course they know.I remember quite vividly the first time I experienced losing somebody close I was 7 years old it was my grandfather,at that time 1957, the body was in the bedroom in the coffin.My grandfather died of cancer and I can remember that he looked younger after he had died the pain went from his tired face.So yes Jenny I think they may have to be told quite early but most parents know there children enough to know whether they can take it.and Liz thank you so much for your comments they are wonderful! Davex

I have explained death to my two children when they asked me questions. Being as honest as I can without frightening them due to their ages. I too would not say sleeping as this would be scary for them. E x

There is a wonderful charity called Winstons Wish - they help bereaved children.

You have just all helped with that exact question, my girl out of my set of triplets as been asking questions about death recently she is 81/2yrs and i answered like most of you have honestly and pointed out that for some it can be a peaceful time especially if they are suffering, i did this because there one grandad is going into hospital for a very serious op(all day op) and the family have been told he will only have two outcomes survive or die, so i really wanted to prepare my children. My girl is the most mature out of them all and reading your replies i think i have said the right things. Unfortunately she then went on to explain to my youngest girl whose nearly 5yrs as they share a bedroom and she got upset as she didnt quite understand. As to one of my boys he takes things all in his stride and think he will be okay if anything happens, but my other i am really dreading explaining to he is very sensitive. Sorry for rambling this has been worrying me and it feels a little better for talking through it, thank you

Mommylonglegs I doubt if there are many people who understand 'exactly what death means'. I was aware early on through the death of pets and acquaintances of my parents that every living thing dies. But I can't say that I understood what it MEANT. I also think it is in the nature of people to take a certain number of 'risks'. I don't think this is because they don't know what death is - I think its because they don't think it 'will happen to them'. I am quite sure for example that Michael Schumacher knows people die in car crashes - it hasn't stopped him wanting to be world champion. I think we must all be aware that cars can be dangerous - but do you think everyone you see on the road is driving safely?! When you are very small its hard to imagine what life is like when you are 15. At 15 you can't understand being 30, etc. I do think children should be told simply about death - ie it is permanent. Telling them someone has fallen asleep isn't helpful - everyone goes to sleep, how do you know who is going to wake up? That's scary. My own children were very matter-0f-fact when they went to their grandparents' joint burial in Wales. They asked why the coffins were so small and I explained that their grandparents' bodies had been cremated and so the boxes contained ashes, not bones, which took up less room. They then asked if they could dig the grave and I explained that the church had someone who had already done that. I want my children to trust what I say so I tell the truth as far as I can, but not any more than they need to know. If I don't want to answer their question because I think it is too personal or whatever, I tell them that is why I'm not answering. I was surrounded by daft uncles in my childhood who were forever telling me silly things about gooseberry bushes, and not holding guineapigs up by their tails or their eyes would fall out etc. nell

I explained everything to my 4 children, as they asked. If you answer only the question, then they will come back and ask the next bit of teh question when they need to know. My eldest asked about babies when she was 4. She didnt ask' how the got there until she was 10....... Then she told me how FILTHY I was................ It was so funny. But yes, when they ask, BUT always truthful answers. Deanna

Hi Jenny, I think it's best to tell young children something factual when they ask and not to fob them off with fantasies. I must admit my own experience of my Father's death when I was 12 is something I've never come to terms with. My Mother was never the sort to answer questions, and when he was desperately ill, she still told me he would get better one day. Not knowing any better, I believed her, so it was an incredibly painful shock to learn he'd died (as I thought) suddenly, when she'd known all along and had never prepared me for it. In my opinion, I had a right to know, and I've always prepared my son for the worst if I've known that someone close was likely to die. CB >|<

Both of my children they're now 8 and 5 have been to 2 funerals and they were West Indian funerals ( which are different) they never asked any questions. When they come to me and start asking questions about anything, then i will do my best to explain,i would think if they are old enough to ask they were old enough to understand.