General Chat

It's April 1st - so WHERE are all the comedians today? Or have I been left in the dark again - and that's the joke? LoL CB >|<

Carol, I'm waiting with bated breath - hope its good! LoL CB >|< (switching off torch)

CB See my answer on your other thread. you confused me.( which doesn,t take much doing). happy days

Added by Andy oop North on 30/01/2004 02:17:43 * My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. * My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. * A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. * I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. * I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburetor.' I asked her, 'Where's the car?' She replied, 'In the lake.' * Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. * After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, 'You know, I was a fool when I married you.' The husband replied, 'Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.' * When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. * I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. * My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends. * My credit card was stolen but I decided not to report it. The thief is spending much less than my wife did. * A woman was telling her friend, 'I made my husband a millionaire.' 'And what was he before you married him?' asked the friend. 'A billionaire.' * Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want and then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. * Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. * A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' The father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.' * Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Iran a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. * I never knew what real happiness was until I got married then it was too late. * A man placed an ad in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted.' The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same : 'You can have mine.' * A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,' Dad! I've found a woman just like mother' His father replied, 'So what do you want, sympathy?' * Seventy percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in other parts of the world. * Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. * Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. * If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, just talk in your sleep. * I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. * It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. * Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. * A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman and then, BAM!, it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked his friend. 'My wife found out...' * Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. * I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. * A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. * A successful woman is one who can find such a man. * A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead.' * Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. * How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get your laundry done free. * The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it. * The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. * The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. -----------------------------------------------------------------------

Added by Bob from Redditch on 30/01/2004 05:56:52 Some good advice for the ladies... 1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed. 2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. 3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all. 4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. 7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. 8. If the shoe fits ... buy it in every color. 9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 10. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 13. Some days are a total waste of makeup. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand. 16. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 18. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 21. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Added by Audrey Brown on 31/01/2004 04:02:16 In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. 'How are things, Eve? 'He asked. 'It's all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights...everything is wonderful -but I have one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I'm constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes...they're a real pain,' reported Eve. That's a fair point,' replied God, 'but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six and just thought you'd need half, but now I see that you're right. I'll sort it out right away!' So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. 'Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?' he asked. 'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull... all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.' God thought for a moment. 'You know, Eve, you're right. How could have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see ... where did I leave that useless tit?'

Yay! RESULT - at last, something to laugh at! LMHO Cheers, folks! CB >|< :>))) P S Further contributions gratefully received - but only if I've not seen them before.

Is that it then?

I got caught this morning..... A male GR member emailed me saying basically that my attentions were flattering but he wasn't interested.... OH DEAR I BIT!!! :O)

Poor Diana! LoL You may not have a male, but you do have mail! CB >|< XX

CB..... it was not funny!! Well I suppose it was but I can't believe I genuinely fell for it!! :O)

Sorry, Diana, shouldn't have laughed. I hope you get to clout him at one of the Meets! Sounds like he deserves it. CB >|< XX

CB.... I was very indignant as you can imagine!! :O) and I am sure he felt the clout from here!! :O)

Diana, Have to reply on here - my Outlook Express has just crashed into the buffers at speed! Marvellous news - go for it !!! ... and I'm saying nowt to the other one mentioned - don't want him getting ideas above his station! LMHO CB >|< XX