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Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me T*ts



By Pam Ayres



Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,



Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,



Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,



Oh, I wish I'd looked after me t*ts.







'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.



It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,



And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,



Oh, I wish I'd looked after me t*ts.



'Cos t*ts can be such troublesome things



When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.



And although they go well with my Bingo wings,



I wish I'd looked after me t*ts.



When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,



When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,



When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,



Then I wish I'd looked after me t*ts.



When I was young I got whistles and hoots,



From the men on the site to the men in the suits,



Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,



Oh, I wish I'd looked after me t*ts.



When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,



Cruising around with my favourite suitors.



Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,



I wish I'd looked after me t*ts.



When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,



When they're less in the air and more near the floor,



When people see less of them rather than more,



Oh, I wish I'd looked after me t*ts.

Oh, how true. :O)

Gail

Love Pam Ayres remember her on Opportunity Knocks so funny
post all you want not offended we all have them lol
Jenxx

here's another

It was Christmas Eve on a Friday
The shops was full of cheer,
With tinsel in the windows,
And presents twice as dear.
A thousand Father Christmases,
Sat in their little huts,
And folk was buying crackers
And folk was buying nuts.

All up and down the country,
Before the light was snuffed,
Turkeys they get murdered,
And cockerels they got stuffed,
Christmas cakes got marzipanned,
And puddin's they got steamed
Mothers they got desperate
And tired kiddies screamed.

Hundredweight's of Christmas cards,
Went flying through the post,
With first class postage stamps on those,
You had to flatter most.
Within a million kitchens,
Mince pies was being made,
On everyone's radio,
"White Christmas", it was played.

Out in the frozen countryside
Men crept round on their own,
Hacking off the holly,
What other folks had grown,
Mistletoe on willow trees,
Was by a man wrenched clear,
So he could kiss his neighbour's wife,
He'd fancied all the year.

And out upon the hillside,
Where the Christmas trees had stood,
All was completely barren,
But for little stumps of wood,
The little trees that flourished
All the year were there no more,
But in a million houses,
Dropped their needles on the floor.

And out of every cranny, cupboard,
Hiding place and nook,
Little bikes and kiddies' trikes,
Were secretively took,
Yards of wrapping paper,
Was rustled round about,
And bikes were wheeled to bedrooms,
With the pedals sticking out.

Rolled up in Christmas paper
The Action Men were tensed,
All ready for the morning,
When their fighting life commenced,
With tommy guns and daggers,
All clustered round about,
"Peace on Earth - Goodwill to Men"
The figures seemed to shout.

The church was standing empty,
The pub was standing packed,
There came a yell, "Noel, Noel!"
And glasses they got cracked.
From up above the fireplace,
Christmas cards began to fall,
And trodden on the floor, said:
"Merry Christmas, to you all."

Pam Ayres

Love it, You can just imagine her saying the above can't you, especially in the twangy accent she has, hilarious xxxx

she always recited her poems with that little smirk on her face
Love them all
Jenxx

There was another one beginning " I wish i'd looked after me ...."

But i can't remember how it goes, bit of a foggy brain this morning....

Anyone help?

Yes thats the one, must google it, thanks Havoc.

You've made my morning- brilliant poems :-) Teresa, or anyone, if you find any more please post them!

wonderful memories of this thanks so much Havoc. I can just see her perched on a stool with an audience laughing their heads off. Brill.

love them.. can hear her now .........

now that put a smile on me face , love it

Cracking little thread this one, it's made my day thank you.

xx

Love it, glad you are posting them.. keep them coming. xxxxx

Thanks very much Ginnie, certainly cheered me up today. Sorry you have to go and do some work. Take care
Teresa.

god i must become a published poet

i could make a fortune on gr from the infringments of copyrite, which is unlawfull.

my pockets would be so heavey i could not walk
my mouth would be full I could not talk
I hope the money that comath to me
would be in brown envalopes to become tax free

ninjabinman©

:@)

I too love Pam Ayres,I've put this on here before,it always makes me smile

The Wonderbra
by Pam Ayres

I bought myself a Wonderbra
For fourteen ninety nine,
It looked so good on the model girl's chest,
And I hoped it would on mine,
I took it from the packaging
And when I tried it on,
The Wonderbra restored to me
All I believed had gone

Chorus:
Let's all salute the Wonderbra,
The Wonderbra, the Wonderbra,
Let's all salute the Wonderbra,
For fourteen ninety-nine.

It gave me such a figure,
I can't believe it's mine,
I showed it to my husband
And it made his eyeballs shine,
And when I served the breakfast,
The kids cried out, 'Hooray!
Here comes our darling mother,
with her bosom on a tray!'

I didn't really need one,
my present bra, it's true,
Had only been in constant use
Since nineteen eighty-two,
But the silhouette I dreamed about,
Is mine, is mine at last,
And builders on the scaffolding,
Drop off as I walk past

Chorus:
Singing .. let's all salute the Wonderbra,
The Wonderbra, the Wonderbra,
Let's all salute the Wonderbra
For fourteen ninety-nine!

Hilarious Mau, xxx

Wonder what happened to Pam Ayres ? is she still alive does anyone know?

Yes she still tours Teresa,has lots of fans xx

Pleased to hear that Mau, thanks.

I had this one read out (at my request) by the best man at my recent wedding reception

YES I'LL MARRY YOU


Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,
And here's the reason why;
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry,
And if we hear a knocking
And it's creepy and it's late,
I hand you the torch you see,
And you investigate.

Yes I'll marry you, my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble-drier goes
It's you that has to mend it,
You have to face the neighbour
Should our labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It's you that has to whack him.

Yes, I'll marry you,
You're virile and you're lean,
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
Which you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas,
You can cook it every night!

It's you who has to work the drill
and put up curtain track,
And when I've got PMT it's you who gets the flak,
I do see great advantages,
But none of them for you,
And so before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!