General Chat

Our good friend Eldrick sends us this pertinent commentary, most appropriate in light of recent events---

"Meant to post this on GR donkeys ago, but forgot about it.

No offence to anyone I hope!

GR Species of Posters.

The Hypochondriac.
At least once a week tells everyone that they have been diagnosed with a condition hitherto unknown either in the western world or even to science on occasions. They will ask for advice and support and try to contact fellow sufferers of Gasping Flatulence syndrome. A lengthy list of convincing sounding medications will follow, most copied and pasted from obscure websites. As a last resort they will state that conventional medicine has failed them, the NHS are useless and their doctor hasn’t got the faintest idea what she or she is talking about. This has inspired them to use homeopathic remedies (thus crossing over to the ‘Woo Merchant’ species) and they have found that tincture of variegated ragwort rubbed on the afflicted spot twice daily has worked for them, and urging everyone else in the world to forsake qualified medical practitioners and turn to quacks and snake oil purveyors instead.
If caught out they will blame the NHS emergency line for giving them the wrong advice and tell everyone that they are busy suing them for millions of pounds in damages."

" The Attention Seeker
Tells everyone they have 75,000 plus names in their family tree and are related to royalty and their ggggmother was a concubine of Charles 1st. They know this through fully documented meticulous research done by them over the past 3 months. However, they take instant offence as soon as anyone queries anything they say about their tree and threaten to leave and never come back in a fit of righteous indignation. This is designed to deter any further questions. Once the extended family tree has been milked dry, it is replaced by a tragic occurrence that has deeply affected either them personally or a family member, no matter how remote. This is designed to invoke a blizzard of support and sympathy, leaving them basking in a warm glow and opens the door for further outrageous behaviour, excused by the fact that they are behaving irrationally due to an immense emotional upheaval. This continues in various guises for some time, often coupled with a story about how a neighbor’s friend’s uncle’s cousin has had a terrible accident, or perhaps received an unjust parking fine.
If the attention begins to wander in the direction of another member of this species, the posts will turn more outrageous and controversial, usually ending with something along the lines of ‘Everybody hates me, I can’t take it anymore and I’m going to do something about it’, thereby hinting that they have been pushed beyond the limits of human endurance, whilst conveniently putting to one side the fact that they are sitting in front of a computer monitor and eating fresh netto pizzas. The following day they will be all apologetic, blaming either medication, being upset by some bad news or simply not giving any explanation at all. "

" The Woo Merchant.
The species is an avid follower of Colin Fry and Derek Acorah. They go to meetings all over the place in order to talk to dead people about how their drains are blocked and where they went on holiday 20 years ago. These meetings are frequented by others of a similar mind, and are sometimes mistaken for a Gala Bingo Hall or even a waiting room for a Saga Holidays pick up point or Wallace Arnold coach tour.
Everyday things take on added significance for followers of Woo. A freshly deposited pavement pizza can often take the form of a vision of the Virgin Mary or even the Lord himself, Tony Blair. Clouds form into the shape of dead relatives and the wind and rain against a window is actually a message from the other side telling them never to eat yellow snow. These revelations will be posted as if they were fact and anyone daring to point out the bleedin’ obvious will be attacked with a ferocity ten times worse than Pearl Harbour.
They spend lots of money visiting haunted castles, dungeons and disused brickworks during the hours of darkness, to carry out ‘vigils’, usually in the company of a professional medium who wears a leather jacket over crimplene trousers and sensible shoes. Professional mediums can be identified by the large gold chain they wear outside of their black turtleneck sweater.
The common denominator for the woo merchants is a love of cats and a wardrobe full of Tweed skirts and twin sets. Preferred jewelry is pearls and they all subscribe to ‘Lily Growing Today’ magazine. The female members of the species do the same "

" The Sympathy Seeker.
The Sympathy Seeker is not sure if she or he is an attention seeker or Hypochondriac, so they just hedge their bets by combining the characteristics of both, thus creating a singularly powerful personality. Sympathy seekers are never abusive to others, nor do they join in controversy or argumentative threads, although they will sometimes tell everyone that ‘All this arguing upsets me so much that I go to bed crying every night’ as opposed to watching a cheerful TV programme like Eastenders.
The sympathy seeker bears a massive burden – nothing goes right in their life, nor in the life of anyone remotely connected to them. Every time they are in a car, they get a speeding fine. They always get short changed at Supermarkets and never manage to get a meal in a restaurant or anywhere else that is either hot or edible. They complain vehemently to management but get nowhere and need advice on what to do next.
The sympathy seeker has a particular affinity with animals and abhors cruelty in any form. They are able to take everyday occurrences and turn them into types of medieval torture. For instance seeing someone with a dog on a collar and lead turns them into quivering lumps of tear ridden soggy tissue, because the poor animal must be getting choked and a harness is much more suitable etc etc. They are rated as relatively harmless and more to be pitied than scorned in most cases."

" The Voice of Reason
The Voice of Reason carefully scrutinizes every thread and post for signs of a disagreement, then swiftly steps in with a reasoned argument designed to pour oil on troubled waters. Often quoting extracts from poems or citing websites, the valiant attempts to impose peace invariably only inflame, as most posters like nothing better than a good fight and some name calling, scratching, kicking and handbag flagellation.
Often this species will create a new thread designed to appeal to all warring factions, but this usually sinks without trace for the above reasons. On occasions, this person will get so involved in their peace keeping duties they will inadvertently appear to have forsaken their neutral status and be perceived to be taking sides, which starts a new flame war and causes immense frustration and despair to the kind hearted and well meaning soul. They will then retreat to the sidelines and post on subjects such as ‘What was your mum’s favourite flower?’ and ‘Can you remember the good old days when we all used to get along and tell funny stories and still have change for the bus home and a bag of chips’."

he has such a way with words he does "rubs eyes" he is missed he is

do u think if we all chip in 10p each and pay for him, he will come back???

" The Sugar Plum Fairy
Is sickly sweet and totally non contentious. They will post a thread such as ‘Do you think that Pensioners should get free pet cats?’ and then look at all the comments before they decide what their opinion on the matter is. Or more often they won’t have an opinion in case someone disagrees with them and makes them appear to be argumentative. A popular posting from this species is a daily weather report from an obscure location in Cambridge or Suffolk. Even then the bets are hedged with something like ‘There’s 10 feet of snow here and a hurricane blowing, but we’ve had a nice summer so that’s OK with me’. Or more often a thread wishing everyone a good morning/afternoon/evening or a happy easter.
In order to ingratiate themselves with everyone, they will create threads about kittens playing with balls of wool and Labrador puppies chasing their tails (‘How I laugh at little Sabre, he chases his tale and barks at the wall’. Completely ignoring the fact that the poor dog is so demented with its owner making it wear a wooly cardigan and bootees when they go for a walk that it has developed severe mental problems and is probably suffering from canine bi-polar syndrome.
The SPF is dangerous, however. He or she will occasionally fool someone into thinking they really live in a house made of sticks of rock with a marzipan roof and lull that person into a false sense of security. Watch out for fireworks when it is revealed that SPF is really a 19 stone Glaswegian trucker who cross dresses at weekends. Scary indeed."

Oh I do so love the Attention Seeker definition :-))

*wonder which category I fall into*

Sue x

PMSL - yep i know every one so far lolol

I do miss Eldricks writing and stories on here,they are so funny.................and very true

"" Watch It, Eldrick, your spelling is slipping""

he chases his** tale** and barks

Bob

*puffs up proudly*

I have a little bit of me in every definition, lololol


Eldrick my lovely.... does that make me unique??? wmsl

Happy birthday for whenever your birthday is/was, anyway

Love and cwtches

Daff xxxxx

I am swaying cant decide between me being A or B BC is deffo D and I see TW must be a C.......Muffy deffo is A stray D....

Gasping Flatulence syndrome is no laughing matter Hayley !!!!!!! LOL xx

The Attention Seeker & The Voice of Reason are very accurate & the latter is often prompted into action by the former.

Oh and add to the Hypochondriac. - Frequently posts their woes but never take sensible advice to go see a doctor - they are much happier wallowing in self pity to seek a resolution for their ailment.

:o))))

* ignores the gasping leper*

I do miss dear old Eldrick I would gladly pay his membership.....but now he is over 75 maybe he hasnt got his pooter lience anymore, or they dont have the net in his home..arhhhhhhhh come back Eldy xxx

As it so happens, I was Bismark's mistress - so where is my free cat?

This deserves a nudge

if Eldick want to come back
i will gladly pay his membership too
and yes i do miss him