General Chat

Any of you good people have any views on the following:-

A group of folk belong to the same sports club... one person in particular, gets on really really well with maybe three of the others there. He has a problem, which he shares, in confidence, with the three he most trusts.

One of those people reckons he needs to have some extra help... so posts the problem on the wall of the sportsclub bar, asking all his friends to rally around.

Would this be acceptable behaviour?

Would you breech that confidence?

Or am I alone in believing that this is a massive breech in trust?

Love

Daff, who is off to ponder this for a while... I might be the only one who finds the behaviour of the so-called friend unacceptable... I am very very cross about it at the moment.

Love

Daff xxxx

Weeeel…….

On the one hand, if something is said in confidence, then it should remain so.

On the other hand, if the 1st party’s name came up in conversation with 3rd parties, then possibly the 2nd party could elicit support without giving details.

But to put it up on a Notice Board? No Way!

That friend isn't a friend if they did that without him agreeing to it first. How would they like it I wonder. I take it they will be nobody's friend after this because no-one will wish to confide in them.

SG, I am so cross, I can't even spell properly, lol... it is Breach and not breech, of course.

I am so relieved to find that some folk agree with me!! I don't think much of someone who can betray a confidence like this..

DET... in this case, the person with the problem wanted everything to appear as normal until he was ready to announce his problem openly, and while he was learning how to deal with it himself.

Now his mum had put a request for her church to pray for him... but he and she remained anonymous, and of course, no-one knew him, so he didn't mind that... but it was the broadcasting of his business amongst people he knows, and who know him, that has upset him... and me.

To me, it smacks of a childish desire to let the world know that the betrayer is one of the *inner* circle, lol

Well, he won't be again.... and he can't understand why.

Love

Daff xxxx

You would think so, wouldn't you, Ann? but it isn't as easy as it seems, at first.

This person is the type who is the life and soul of the party... always appears very caring.... and I know has done this to others, or similar to this... but uses this *well, it's because I was worried about you* tactic.... and that is difficult to counteract at first... peolpe don't actually seem to be able to see the spite underlying it... and I do think it is spiteful, to betray friends.

The betrayed person is pretty much on his own at the sportsclub at the moment, now... not many people can understand why he is so cross... and of course, I wouldn't be seen dead in a sportsclub, lolol... Well.... I would after 10 minutes... those who have met me will tell you that I didn't become the fine figure I am by going to sportsclubs, lolol. So it would be no use me going and making waves... those waves would be tsunamis, lol

Love

Daff xxx

Sounds as if the Betrayer of Confidences enjoys the attention himself. At least those who kept quiet will be a little suspicious of his motives in the future.

It’s a pity that the ‘problem’ has come out in this way. I hope the Betrayed can put the betrayal behind him and focus on his bigger issue. At least now he knows who his true friends are.

Havoc.... the nitty gritty details of the problem were not mentioned in full... just that there was one, so please all of you guys out there keep an eye on our man cos if he gets in a strop it's because he has some serious stuff going on in his life at the moment, but which he doesn't want to talk about right now so bear with him.... well, it was put a little more succintly than that, of course, but that is the gist!!

I still can't get my head around the fact that others are still being hoodwinked by this guy into believing it is ok to do that! Grrrr!!! Altough they have admitted to feeling (some of them) uncomfortable about it... it is just this persons way.

Well... I do so wish I could carry out what I would like to do... I'd be the most unpopular person in the region! lol

Love

Daff xxx

*sighs* you haven't read it properly, have you, Bob?

The person was identified... his name, and very strong hints as to what the problem is, were printed on the wall of the sportsclub bar.... he has been a regular there for a number of years. He knows everyone, and everyone knows him.

Everyone there is now commisserating with him... with a problem he is not yet facing properly himself, at the moment... he had told his closest 3 pals, and assumed they would keep quiet... one decided that he wasn't going to, and has told effectively, the entire sportsclub.... this means that the very thing that was keeping him going... he is now reluctant to go and enjoy, because he can't deal with so many people knowing.

So... one of his best friends snitched on him, and betrayed a confidence....

Daff

Sorry Jeniwren... was so busy replying to Bob, I ignored you there. ~~~~~

Hiya Jeniwren.... yes, exactly my way of thinking.

I am relieved to know that there are others who think the same way as me... asking for, or agreeing to others asking for it... is one thing.... personally, I have found that sharing the worst (and paradoxically the best, lol) experience of my life has helped me tremendously to deal with every stage... but I know that for others this isn't the case... and some like to be able to get their heads around something before showing a brave face to the world.

To specifically ask your close friends not to tell anyone, it is then a massive breach of trust when they spread that news to others who know the sufferer. And in such a public way!

I have seen it happen tooo often... and always wrapped up in a veil of "concern".

It gets me cross

Love

Daff xxx

Been there, got the Tshirt. ;)

Remember the sister with (big-time) cancer who wouldn't tell the mother with cancer, or the brothers? And me the only one knowing, for about 2 months. And the mother with cancer getting snippier and snippier with the sister about little things, all basically having to do with not getting quite enough attention, while the sister was wearing a chemo pack and ileostomy bag around and preparing for surgery and not telling anybody ...

I wanted to tell my mum, obviously. If only so she wouldn't feel the rush of guilt for her own behaviour once she did find out. And because having your youngest kid have cancer that could be fatal is something everybody really would want to know about at the earliest opportunity.

But I didn't, and we all know the hoops that meant jumping through.

I absolutely understand wanting to try to ease things for both the person with the problem (who could use support) and the people in the dark (who may be dealing with a snippy or sullen friend and be reacting perfectly normally to a snippy or sullen person).

But it's his decision. If he doesn't want the support, so be it. Of course if people do eventually feel guilty for not treating him with kid gloves when the situation called for it and they didn't know, he should be prepared to accept the fault for that.

What 'friend' did really is unacceptable. Hopefully, the betrayed friend will end up benefiting from everybody knowing and decide it wasn't such an awful betrayal after all.

And then if so, just like when your best friend returns to her horrible mate, the good friends will have to swallow it and follow the lead of the one who has the real problem.

Have to admit he would NOT be on my Christmas card list ever again

Jackie

lol Bob..... absolutely not!! Do you for one minute think I hadn't thought of that? All names, sexes, and club types have been changed to make sure of that!! I would never put someone into that position. The person (s) involved, will never, ever recognise themselves... which is a bloody shame, cos I wish they would.

But I think there may be people on this site who recognise the behaviour of the betrayer in themselves!! It just struck me as relevent when it was so close to home, so to speak.

I remember that time, Janey... I was diagnosed very soon afterwards... now then, within a family and not outside it, I could perfectly understand it.... it was very hard for you not to reveal the truth, I remember... it was one of the reasons I went public, so to speak... I certainly didn't want anyone being put into the position you were put into.

Jackie... he isn't, not on mine, anyway. I do wish I could send one, though, to explain why!

Love

Daff xxx

deleted because my response was to a post which itself has been deleted

I can understand your anger, Daff, and agree this isn't the right thing to do, however I will just quote a bit of one of your posts:

... always appears very caring.... and I know has done this to others, or similar to this... but uses this *well, it's because I was worried about you* tactic....

Maybe the betrayed person should have thought twice about confiding in that particular 'friend' since he/she seems to make a habit of declaring confidences to all and sundry.

There are some people who cannot keep a confidence to themselves even if they mean to, but to put it up on a bulletin board or whatever is really not on.

I hope the betrayed friend can find the strength to go on attending the club and front things out. True friends will know when to keep quiet and when to just show their understanding by a friendly smile or something and the others will probably soon move onto to something else happening around them.

Best of luck to the person with the problem.

Lizx

I have skimmed through the info here.

Forgive me if I make a point which may have already been made.

This person has made his problem known to three other people.

Not one or two but three.

Would you not see that as a plea for help. For someone to take the decision whether to divulge the information, or not, out of his hands.

Can you not hear this person's sigh of relief. He now does not have to keep quiet about what has been bothering him, he has two streams of sympathy coming his way. One for the cause of his problem, and the other because in the way the information was released.

And does he now feel very pleased that he doesn't have the task of making the problem known. His friends have assisted in doing this, as was his intention, unspoken or otherwise.

Just looking at it from another perspective.

Good point there too
Could have been a shame to lose a good friendship if someone had misinterpreted his attitude to something they said or did on a day when he wasn't coping well, now they will at least know he needs some understanding and to cut him some slack.

Lizx

AuntyS, it's all possible ... but a notice on the bulletin board?

Hardly the way to go about showing how much one truly cares.

Yes, I do believe the notice on the bulletin board was a bit far to go.

Perhaps a conversation with him along the lines of. "Do you wish us to keep this very quiet, until you have sorted yourself out. Or can we seek help for you and make your problem known". This would probably have been a more appropriate way to handle the situation.

If the one with the problem is so well known, why didn't the 'friend' realise that he, himself could have put it on the notice board? He didn't though - he consulted three 'friends' quietly.....The 'friend' should have realised this but he was only interested in big-noting himself as a "problem-solver" without a thought of how the one with the problem would feel about it.

Certainly cross him off your Christmas card list - and one less to invite to a party.

I haven't read all the replies on here, yet, but I'm with you Daff. I think it was an unacceptable breach of trust.