General Chat

As I mentioned in my earlier post my sister was also adopted and shortly after I obtained my adoption pack she decided to do the same. At the time she knew nothing of her birth family and to cut a long story short her BM was raped. Obviously my sister was shaken by this and has come to deal with it. At least she knows that her mother could but did not go for the abortion option and for that we respect her tremendously.

I had been told when I was very young that my father was a milkman and as such always wondered what the truth was. I now know that my mother was sixteen and had a three month relationship with a married man and yup he was a Milkman lol. My BM was a very strict irish Catholic and had already divorced my BF and remarried. The adoption paperwork includes several letters from both my BM and from her mother to the Nunns that looked after me and my BM was clearly well supported by her throughout the birth and adoption. My BM,s stepfather was totally against keeping the baby and was the stongest influence for the adoption. What I wonder is how my BM really felt about a situation that it would appear she was pushed into, or maybe she wasn,t ?.

One thing I do know is that I would not wish to upset BM in the way that my sister was and that was after her own searching.

I can see this from both sides, it's like treading on eggshells.

I agree wth Uggers, Dawnie and PSD (Liz), life is too short not to try and contact people.
Like John, I waited until my adopted father had died and my mother was by that time suffering from Alzheimer's.

I was also getting older, just turned fifty when I started searching, it took three years, by the end of my search, my BM and her sister had both died and my remaining aunt knew nothing about me, as BM had never told her.
I now have a lovely 89 year old uncle in Canada, plus my cousin and her children.

So really what I'm trying to say to John, is you need to write a letter, but make it a general one and put in something that only your BM would know about you, just in case someone else in her family should read it and ask questions.
Ramble over and good luck with the search.
Sue

This is obviously a very emotive subject for a lot of people.For me I only decided to do something about looking when both of my (adoptive) parents had passed away.They would have not understood why I had the need to know where I came from.I was very lucky and had a wonderful childhood and I never had a desperate need to 'know'.It was more curiosity.
My OH and children have taken no interest at all in my finding B Family.But I am fine with that.I feel it is a shame ,but it's their choice not to be involved.When I went to meet my 2 brothers and cousin I went on my own and we spent a couple of days in a Hotel in York.

I am not adopted nor have experience of it as such...but I do know about the fear of 'opening a can of worms' when a very close relative ( half sibling) decided to get in touch nearly 50 years down the line...even if ,as in this case , they were known of, it is still a hugely risky thing to do and can upset people greatly . But I really believe it is the best thing to do, whatever the outcome. You can't live a life saying "if only I had done that sooner"

John take it slowly, but I do hope you will make contact, even if the response is negative, you will know you tried. I know if it were me in either position, the searched for or the searching, I would want to know. Good luck.

John, I agree with Dawnie and PSD - life is short and you'll never know if you never try.

I disagree, Minnie - it might not be the easiest route but I don't think a biological parent necessarily has the right to block an adoptee from contacting other members of their family.

Her reaction when my uncle spilled the beans was horrifying

Maybe her brother didnt know she'd given a child for adoption? I guess that was her business, not his.

I think there needs to be mutual understanding - yes contact a birth mother, but in doing so , you need to respect her wishes as well.

Personally I dont think that Uncle should have been told - If a father isn't named on a cert, anyone other tha a birth mother cant tell you his name anyway - the Uncle told you - how does he know? What he has done is guessed - and now looks good in your eyes- he told you what you wanted to know, something she wouldnt .

Birth mothers were told they wwouldnt be traceable - so the goal posts moved.

Wear the shoe on the other foot, and imagine a birth mother found and put pressure on an adoptee- one that didn't want to know their roots. Who would have the right to disclose all about you? I think you'd go ballistic too.

John

I would send a message but make it very vague who you are, if you dont try and find out you will always have a quetion mark hanging over you.

good luck

John, I have no experience with adoption in my own family, as far as I know, but do think you should make tentative enquiries. It would be sad if this lady is your BM and you leave things too late, or if it says she has already died, that you leave things too late to make contact with siblings. If your health is precarious too, it makes it more important to do things soon, but I know the decision must be a hard one for you and can only wish you the best of luck, which ever route you take.

Lizx

My sister had Social Services and they were brilliant.Sadly my sister decided not to take it any further because of the circumstances of her conception.She did not want to upset her BM.

I did the social services interview and got my adoption file some time back.

PS In Scotland you don't need to have SS.I did everything myself.

I was looking for my Birth Mother here and just happened to see someone on Trying to Find who was looking for some cousins.I noticed she was in the same city that I was born .I emailed her to say I was looking for information on a lady called such and such who lived at a certain address in 1954.She emailed me back to say she had ,had an Aunty of that name who lived at said address,but she had passed away several years before.I felt then I was able to explain who I was.It turned out she was in fact my cousin ,and she then told me that I was in fact 1 of 8 children.Several had passed away but she was in touch with one of my brothers.After a few weeks she had done some checking and knew for sure I was who I said.My biggest worry was that I would upset someone ,as I would have been quite prepared to leave it.But it was fine I am now in touch with 2 brothers and the cousin.There is a sister who doesn't want to know about any of the family and another brother who they don't speak to and haven't told him about me.I don't know where he is and don't think he would want to know me.I was just pleased that I found out a little of my roots.
I think it would have been much harder if my BM had still been alive,and am not sure how I would have gone about it.
I do wish anyone who is looking for B Family all the luck in the world.Just make sure it is done the right way and be totally open minded.

catchthecat, an adoptee has to go through Social Services to get their adoption file but it's entirely up to them whether they use SS to trace and contact a birth parent.

There are two two sides to an adoptee searching for birth parents and as a I only joined GR yesterday and this is my first post I really should be careful what I post but IMHO both sides of the argument are right.

I am an adoptee and within an hour of registering on the site I have found a Lady on a members tree that has the same 1st name, Surname and both middle initials as my birth mother. Also the DOB is the same year as is the location. The Female whos tree it also has a mother with the same surname and is born in the same town.
I click on the find out more button and am given the chance to send her a message aaahhh now to me that stuck my stomach through my heart as I had not expected to find anything let alone to have the chance to communicate.

I should also point out that I am now 45 and have NO remaining living relatives other than my Sister (also adopted) wife and children. Also I have and am not well and diagnosis has been 3 years in coming so far with no result.

So did I send a message, No I did not as this is a massive undertaking for all of the reasons already mentioned in this thread.

Sorry but I will not post names as I do not understand the site well enough and am concerned that the people concerned may see it.

So what do members think that that they would do in the same situation

I really feel for anyone in that situation. But there is always a reason behind it.
Sometimes, its maybe better not to know. It can open a whole can of worms and hurt a lot of people and other families.

The mother maybe had no choice.

In saying that, I would want to know.



Marion

Very well put, Ann. I think most adoptees who try to trace birth relatives are pretty sensitive how they go about things but, as you say, they've not made the situation and they're not responsible for what biological parents do or don't tell their families.

Ann
Thank you,
That is what I was meaning.
SueB

I can see both sides of this, but I keep coming back to this fact. The parents have created the need for the child to find its parents, however inconvenient and embarrassing, by having it adopted.

Any damage is not caused by adoptees searching, it is caused by and fully the responsibility of those who made a choice to deceive their new families etc. by keeping secrets from them.

Sorry, I am not adopted myself, but I hope I can understand the human need to find your biological roots.

I understand what you're saying Julia, but if an adoptee wants to connect with a biological relative using this site putting a birth parent on your tree is the most straightforward way of doing it.

Hi Julia May,
I can understand how you feel about people posting on here that are looking for their biological families. I can also understand the hurt that it can cause the living families if they find out.
The other side of the "coin" is the hurt that the people that have been left and have to pick up the pieces of failed marriages. They want the link to the missing piece of the jigsaw,
I know from experience that you clutch at anything that would help. I know that I have used G/R for this purpose.
I may not have written this right but this is how I feel.
Sue x