General Chat

My son's father has never been in touch with son
( that's nearly 14 years now) . I don't have any idea where he is living, but I do know ,from research, his parent's address, and also that his sister is on FR....

What are your opinions on making contact? I am debating sending a message to his sister on FR and haven't a clue how to phrase it .... what I would 'like' to say and what it would be 'sensible' to say are two different things really .

This has come to mind really as there was a similar situation on a thread recently. Part of me says leave well alone, the other part ( the bit which says all children should have access to both parents wherever possible) says it is time to do this if I am going to, before son is grown up...... I think he would be 'interested' but it hasn't got to a point of 'wanting to ' yet.

Rose xx

i think if im honest and its been that long id leave well alone till your son asks for him to be invlved
he may never want to see him
but if he did id allow it but i wouldnt push it
he may reject your son at an age were he is quiet vunrable and at a very important stage of his education "which could be dramatically affected depending on how the "father" responds

Hi,It can be difficult to comment,as it's not known why you would want to make contact...after 14 year's.

Doe's your son,want contact ?Is your son curious,about his father ?

Thanks Stray, I suppose there is also the thought in the back of my mind, that having no grandparents on my side, time is running out for him to know grandparents on that side.... lol see what spending time on family tree does for you. makes you aware that you might have liked to know the people you never met ( I only met my maternal grandmother) !

I asked my son many times over the years, if he wanted to be in touch with his father and his answer was always an unswerving no thanks and a puzzled look saying...'now why does she think I would want that'...lol..which is just as well as, so far, I have'nt been able to find his whereabouts...and he knows where I live:-)

Good luck, Rose, do whatever you feel is right for your son.

BC XX

I think you should try to make contact, but perhaps without telling your son for the moment, just in case it goes all wrong.
I am a firm believer that a child needs both parents around, generally speaking of course, because if the father is a complete and utter social misfit or a pyschopathic murderer, then perhaps it's not such a great idea!!

Life's too short, Rose. None of us know how long we're here for, and all too often we find ourselves, when it's too late, wishing we had done a certain thing. Sorry don't mean to sound morbid...but speaking from a recent experience......
.....I had a list of (family history) questions ready to ask my aunt the next time I visited her. I kept delaying the visit, thinking I'd do it 'another time', or in the summer, or in the spring etc etc . Well, my auntie died recently, and I'm left feeling terribly guilty because I hadnt visited her in such a long time. I've also got a list of unanswered questions on my desk!!!
Not quite the same dilemma as you have, of course, just wanted to stress the general gist of the matter.


K

Hi Cassidy, it was never my choice not to have contact , in a way I think you have that feeling as a single mum that maybe a 'father ' figure is more important when a boy hits his teens?

"You don't miss what you've never had" , is a popular saying, but I am not sure that it is so.... son is mildly curious I would say, and getting to the point of wanting to know 'why' there has been no attempt to contact over the years ( on father's side) .

Thanks BC and Karen :)


BC yes , son has acted pretty much the same lol, the only time he asked when he was younger "Where's my dad ?" prompted by another child's question...I just said "somewhere inManchester" and that was that lol, not interested to ask anything further.

I know what you mean Karen, about putting things off till a 'better' time, we are all guilty of that one I think .

I think I might message the sister, that way it is all done online and no addresses or phone etc... and if nothing comes of it there's no harm done.

xx

My question for you Rose is, who would be more hurt if he declines, your son or you? I think you know it would be you, I agree with Stray, wait till son asks, because either way you will always beat yourself up over this and I know from my own experience. I have read on this very board someone in the past who was at a word forcing her ex to have contact with his children, I did agree with her point they are his children and he has a moral duty to take his share of his responsibility mentally and financially but the guy just didn’t want to know and she wouldn’t take no for an answer, in my opinion this was more damaging for children than no contact at all.

As I said through my own experience, I contacted the grandparents first and to be honest they wasn’t interested. Their loss I said at the time and left it at, years later my son got the opportunity to put his father lets say in his place and embarrassed the shameless man so much that he flounced out of the pub, I didn’t know weather to laugh or cry, yes I had waited years for that moment, but on the other hand I felt it so sad, but everything happens for a reason I say.

Hi RR,I see your point and it's difficult for you.

Stability, for your son's future is important and it will be the case...some day,that your son, will want to know the in's and out's of your relationship,with the father.

Not knowing your circumstances..and probably correct in saying... that your son..has been happy,for 14 year's with you...tread carefully.


You've nothing to lose by making some sought of contact,but, you'll have to make contact in a very softly..softly approach.

Don't let anything come back on you.

I am thinking along the same lines as Stray and Hayley . If it where my son then I would wait for him to ask for my help in finding his father . After all Rose , your son must know that people can be found and as he hasn't asked then perhaps he isn't ready yet ?

Good luck with what ever you choose to do .

Amanda xx

or perhaps its like asking him if he wants another arm, what you have never had you can never miss he just isnt interested coz he doesnt need him, maybe you are thinking Rose that father is one missing out on a wonderful child.

Thanks all :)

Son knows that you can find people through internet , and did ask ( casually) if father was on FB which as far as I can tell he isn't, not an uncommon name though so unless he was using middle name difficult to know, on that and electoral roll also.

perhaps not yet then....but would be interested to know where he is just for future reference!

hi rose i had the same problem father wasnt interested in contact with my son and daughter i left it until they were adults and they both got in touch with him for a while he was keeping regular contact but then it just stopped no reason but that was his choice and my children dont bother with him now so sad because he missed out on so much and he has 3 grandchildren he shows no interest in either if you have a rough idea or possible address you can get and keep updated if you can then when your son decides the time is right for him you can then give him an address to start from

Yes Wanda , he has always known .

got to dash to shops ( early closing for bank hol, but will reply when I get back :)

xx >>>>>>>>>>>>

At the risk of being controversial here Rose, I really dont' think that as your son is now14, the choice is yours to make. It is HIS choice.

Of course you can make it clear to him that you will gladly help him if he wants to find his father, but the choice of whether or not you make contact with his aunt remains with him.

How would you feel if you made all that effort to contact his father, only for your son to turn it down, probably angrily?

As far as I can see, all you can do is let him know that you wouldn't be upset if he chose to contact that side of his family, it's his right, but to warn him also that it is equally their right not to want contact. (Maybe not moral right, but there's still nothing to be done about it if that is what they wish).

I agree with TW. I was thinking as I was reading through this thread how to word it but she's done it better than I could, so other than saying I think you should ask your son before doing anything I'll leave it at that.

Rose, I think all you should do for the moment is keep having occasional chats with your son about his father. Whatever happens has to come from his inclinations - but of course he also has to know (which he probably does) that he can talk to you about his dad whenever he wants.

Some absent parents never change their minds, however wonderful we know their children are - doesn't always stop the children wanting to try though :)

if after 14 years your sons dad hasn't been in touch
i would leave well alone
what makes you think he is going to be a good dad now
after all this time

better to have one good parent that cares and loves a child

than one that cant be bothered complicating the relationship
you have with your son now
dont try to fix something thats not broken

though i would love to be proved wrong

Back :) and thanks to all who have added while I have been out ( Asda very busy !)

just reading through >>>>