General Chat

Boa constrictor , at least it would save her the job of wringing his neck...

Alas, that cunning plan wouldn't work as OH realised that all the boa constrictors in Australia had been killed of by the spiders.

It would have to be death by mushrooms, quite appropriate really as Allan is a really fun guy.

Now all she had to do was have a word with the chef preparing the meal for the Captain's table

Meanwhile, back in Adelaide, Allan had just passed a venue (not in the physiological sense, that would have been extremely eye-watering) where a poetry reading programme was taking place.

He stopped dead in his tracks as he saw the same passenger from the ship together with the same bird on a lead leave the venue.

Deciding to get if first, Allan approached the passenger and said, "I suppose that you've taken a tern for the verse"

The passenger gave him an extremely quizzical look and replied, "Not at all. There was a poem on the programme regarding seagulls that he wanted to listen to"

Allan went in search of a drink

then he thought no I shouldn't drink after all those hits on the head, what I really need is a nice relaxing.....

trip to one of those soup kitchens all the crew of the ship were talking about. Surely there must be at least one broth hall in Adelaide?

If there was, Allan never found it as he realised that it was time to re-join the ship which was coming apart at the seams

:-D :-D

The Rime of the Ancient Mariner which he recited many times at school came to mind - 'Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink' - or something like that.

Allan wanted to avoid the American addiction of Hillbilly Heroine.

Then Allan realised what he really was thinking about was the Beatles song...."I am the Walrus" which explained all this craziness going through his head all the time.

Back on board and quickly changed he went to meet OH at the Captains table, which usually means a treat on most upscale ships but in this case it was the name of the themed bar onboard. His knees were everywhere what was happening in this crazy world??

Just then a tall thin and yet curvy blond.......

known to everyone as Bet Lynch from Coronation Street.

By gum! She was pulling pints as well as sailors

but she wasn't pulling punches

"Allan let's see your knees chuck" she said as she made a grab at him.

Allan managed to get out of her way by....

She greeted him warmly, "Hello, Chuck, what can I do for you?".

OH gave a steely glare at this familiarity and Allan tried to explain the warm nature of Lancashire lasses did not diminish, when they sailed to the Southern Hemisphere.

OH was not so sure .....

where the antipodes is placed on his Globe which he carries along on all his meanderings to aid his understanding of astronomy.

"Got to start thinking straight" thought Allan "what did OH put in my Horlicks last night?"

As he stared at Bet more intensely he watched her morph into a.....

lonely old barmaid trying to replicate Annie Walker's genteel conversational mode while casting aspersion towards Betty's world-famous steaming Hotpot

Which was being served at the captains table along with Allan's knobbly knees being the centre piece, could Allan next Bet without peering down.......

into her deep blue eyes..........

Nope!

Her chest wasn't out of bounds either then OH handbag smacked him in the head, which didn't help as he fell forward into said chest.

"Blimey woman what do you have in that bag? " he asked as he started to lose consciousness.

Later on.......

Allan woke up with a start, in a cold sweat. This was amazing as he'd gone to sleep in a bed, with his wife

He realised that he had been suffering from a series of nightmares, no doubt induced by his consumption of three pints of Guinness, a bottle of rather a nice red and a pound of gorgonzola cheese.

Perhaps, he thought to himself, I may have overdone the cheese.

The realisation that his journey had not yet commenced came as a huge relief.

Surely fact couldn't be as weird as the raving fantasies that had raced through his fevered brain

Fact was staring him in the face with a head full of curlers with a gleam in her eye,
" Allaaaaan do you remember last night , it's been so long since we last" .....

that much Guinness."

Allan shuddered; he'd remembered what had happened the last time they had indulged in that much Guinness.

He'd only just avoided being arrested, and the publican's wife would never be the same again.

After Allan did a striptease and revealed his.......

magnificent marrow, which had won several prizes at the local Agricultural Show